There’s been a cloud of gloom
that always likes to zoom,
but it’s been coming round and round
just like a big ol’ loom.
“Hello!” I greet Sir Mound of Doom
as he makes his way towards a room,
“Where are you going on this fine, bright, day
perhaps off to make a boom?”
But he does not slow a single step,
not a roll, a flap, or splash,
and continues on his wary way
to the holiday Christmas bash.
“Stop!” I shout as I spring to my feet,
“Stop! Halt! Or I will throw wheat!”
And he does hear me, Sir Mound of Doom,
until, atleast, I crash with a boom.
Down goes the door but not the room
to all of my friends with special amends.
He quickly cocks his brow
at me and my odd actions,
“Have you simply stopped me
for me to wow?”
Quickly I spring up to my feet
and continue to talk, not skipping a beat.
“Why have you been near
the friends I hold dear?”
To that he murmurs one quick little word
before going on his way before I even heard
the reason to my friends’ demise
that they hold close, just like a prize.
My own poem, no stealing >:[
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Monday, December 7, 2009
Mumbo Jumbo
When my friends are frustrated with a situation, I just sit there and feel bad for them.
But I don’t say anything.
And if it’s over the internet, it’s as though I don’t give a crap about their lives.
Or if a friend is feeling down, and he/she tells me what happened, I don’t know what the heck to do.
Maybe an occational “oh that sucks… :/”
Or a sympathetic “awww… it’ll be okay…”
But yet again, it’s as though I don’t give a crap about their lives.
I can’t tell them empty lies that supposedly make things better
And I can’t just sit there and say nothing
So what the heck am I supposed to do?!
Everything I say or type is a load of mumbo jumbo.
Whether it’s empty promises, odd sound effects, or just “…”s to fill the empty silence, they all come out as garbled words to me.
If all I can speak is mumbo jumbo, what kind of a friend am I?
But I don’t say anything.
And if it’s over the internet, it’s as though I don’t give a crap about their lives.
Or if a friend is feeling down, and he/she tells me what happened, I don’t know what the heck to do.
Maybe an occational “oh that sucks… :/”
Or a sympathetic “awww… it’ll be okay…”
But yet again, it’s as though I don’t give a crap about their lives.
I can’t tell them empty lies that supposedly make things better
And I can’t just sit there and say nothing
So what the heck am I supposed to do?!
Everything I say or type is a load of mumbo jumbo.
Whether it’s empty promises, odd sound effects, or just “…”s to fill the empty silence, they all come out as garbled words to me.
If all I can speak is mumbo jumbo, what kind of a friend am I?
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Removed from Reality
When one loop of drama finally ends, another begins. And everytime, I’m more frustrated than before.But I have them feeling that I’m the one that begins all this drama.
Or atleast, the bad drama.
If I had never existed, then would my friends still be so depressed? I’m the cause of the distraction and pain, so taking me out of the equation would make them happy right?
If I had never existed, maybe Katrina wouldn’t be so lost. Instead, she’d be happy with Allen.
If I had never existed, Michelle wouldn’t have to deal with all the drama (and thus could possibly concentrate on her school stuff more)
If I had never existed, Janice wouldn't have a person constantly arguing against what she says.
If I had never existed, Tina wouldn’t have to deal with another meat-eating, gelatin-loving, freak that makes everything worse.
And if I had never existed, Allen wouldn’t be so sad.
So if I disappear, that’s a good thing right?
Or atleast, the bad drama.
If I had never existed, then would my friends still be so depressed? I’m the cause of the distraction and pain, so taking me out of the equation would make them happy right?
If I had never existed, maybe Katrina wouldn’t be so lost. Instead, she’d be happy with Allen.
If I had never existed, Michelle wouldn’t have to deal with all the drama (and thus could possibly concentrate on her school stuff more)
If I had never existed, Janice wouldn't have a person constantly arguing against what she says.
If I had never existed, Tina wouldn’t have to deal with another meat-eating, gelatin-loving, freak that makes everything worse.
And if I had never existed, Allen wouldn’t be so sad.
So if I disappear, that’s a good thing right?
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Zero Visibility
I have this nagging feeling that I did something wrong and that I should know what it is.
I may not be that eye-burning neon yellow crayon in those cool 106 pack crayon boxes, but I usually know when something is up.
And something is up.
but I can't figure out what it is >.<
It has nothing to do with my grades, or selfishness, or family problems, or anything like that.
It has to do with my friends,
but I don't know what it is.
I'm screwing up.
Somewhere, somehow, sometime (more like every time)--
--but it's frustrating because I'm not seeing what it is.
And I know that I should know what it is
even though I don't.
There's a stick figure in my head, and it's asking me
"Charlene, how blind are you?"
My only answer
"Zero visibility."
I may not be that eye-burning neon yellow crayon in those cool 106 pack crayon boxes, but I usually know when something is up.
And something is up.
but I can't figure out what it is >.<
It has nothing to do with my grades, or selfishness, or family problems, or anything like that.
It has to do with my friends,
but I don't know what it is.
I'm screwing up.
Somewhere, somehow, sometime (more like every time)--
--but it's frustrating because I'm not seeing what it is.
And I know that I should know what it is
even though I don't.
There's a stick figure in my head, and it's asking me
"Charlene, how blind are you?"
My only answer
"Zero visibility."
Monday, November 9, 2009
Useless
I'm pretty useless:
When my friends are having stress/drama issues, I'm no help.
If anybody's feeling especially depressed, I'm sympathetic for a grand total of 2 minutes before I go back to acting like an idiot.
When my friends have wallflower-syndrome, I can't do anything to pull them out of it.
I just sort of sit there.
And stare,
and stare,
and stare;
then either walk away or act like a complete idiot.
If I could just help once, or cheer one person up, then maybe I wouldn't be so useless.
If I could actually understand what other people are feeling or the situation they're in, maybe they wouldn't hate me so much.
If I knew what to say, or what to do...
then maybe my friends wouldn't be so sad:/
When my friends are having stress/drama issues, I'm no help.
If anybody's feeling especially depressed, I'm sympathetic for a grand total of 2 minutes before I go back to acting like an idiot.
When my friends have wallflower-syndrome, I can't do anything to pull them out of it.
I just sort of sit there.
And stare,
and stare,
and stare;
then either walk away or act like a complete idiot.
If I could just help once, or cheer one person up, then maybe I wouldn't be so useless.
If I could actually understand what other people are feeling or the situation they're in, maybe they wouldn't hate me so much.
If I knew what to say, or what to do...
then maybe my friends wouldn't be so sad:/
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Perspective
Wow I haven't blogged in a while...
or atleast, not on blogger.
Only today did I notice how different perspectives can be. I was IMing a friend about how busy we were with all this cheese going on in our lives. But even though we both took this whole situation in the same perspective, when she poked her status, I interpreted it way differently from how she did.
"I find it kind of funny / I find it kind of sad / the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had // mad world ~ gary jules"
My perspective: "that is hating your life...or well, finding peace in death, pretty much"
Her perspective: "it's a stressful sort of satisfaction"
Well apparently I'm pretty morbid o.o
I just found it sort of odd, as I never seemed morbid to myself. I've always been the happy-go-lucky-"thatlooksfun!"-type of person. Maybe I have some kind of inner-persona that's all morbid and the like.
...that's pretty creepy o.o
or atleast, not on blogger.
Only today did I notice how different perspectives can be. I was IMing a friend about how busy we were with all this cheese going on in our lives. But even though we both took this whole situation in the same perspective, when she poked her status, I interpreted it way differently from how she did.
"I find it kind of funny / I find it kind of sad / the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had // mad world ~ gary jules"
My perspective: "that is hating your life...or well, finding peace in death, pretty much"
Her perspective: "it's a stressful sort of satisfaction"
Well apparently I'm pretty morbid o.o
I just found it sort of odd, as I never seemed morbid to myself. I've always been the happy-go-lucky-"thatlooksfun!"-type of person. Maybe I have some kind of inner-persona that's all morbid and the like.
...that's pretty creepy o.o
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Reflecting on a Shattered Glass
For some reason, I just feel happy right now, even though there's really nothing to be happy about.
Usually I'm utterley clueless about how I'm feeling or what I'm feeling, but I'm just... cheerful at the moment. Although my collarbone's broken, I just got in another argument with my mom, my science and math grades are still Bs, my room's messy, and I can't bake, I just feel kind of happy.
Maybe I'm just at one of those points where everything's so messed up that I can't help but to be happy.
Just this morning, I was all gloom and doom because I overslept and felt like a lazy lump of goop. I just sat there neglecting everything I should have done and watched episodes of Katekyo Hitman Reborn on youtube instead.
It might be the nighttime atmosphere. The calming breeze that just blows in along with the nice smell of the cold, crisp air. Or maybe that the only source of light I have right now is my fluorescent lamp, laptop, and the weird red-colored sky.
Actually, looking back at all I've done recently or even within this past month, there's absolutely nothing to me happy about. I wish I was psycho-analytical like Katrina so I could read and decipher my own mind, or completely outright with everything I feel like Tina. But I'm not.
And maybe, that's why I'm so happy:]
Usually I'm utterley clueless about how I'm feeling or what I'm feeling, but I'm just... cheerful at the moment. Although my collarbone's broken, I just got in another argument with my mom, my science and math grades are still Bs, my room's messy, and I can't bake, I just feel kind of happy.
Maybe I'm just at one of those points where everything's so messed up that I can't help but to be happy.
Just this morning, I was all gloom and doom because I overslept and felt like a lazy lump of goop. I just sat there neglecting everything I should have done and watched episodes of Katekyo Hitman Reborn on youtube instead.
It might be the nighttime atmosphere. The calming breeze that just blows in along with the nice smell of the cold, crisp air. Or maybe that the only source of light I have right now is my fluorescent lamp, laptop, and the weird red-colored sky.
Actually, looking back at all I've done recently or even within this past month, there's absolutely nothing to me happy about. I wish I was psycho-analytical like Katrina so I could read and decipher my own mind, or completely outright with everything I feel like Tina. But I'm not.
And maybe, that's why I'm so happy:]
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Knight in Shining Armor
It seems like Kindergarden lied:
February isn't the month of love. No, just a clone of it.
May is the real deal.
I'm stuck in one of those little time portals. I can't move forward or backwards now. Seeing many of my friends becoming couples with my other friends, I can't help but to think when I'll get my own knight in shining armor. Did I already pass my chance? Or maybe I just won't open my eyes to other possibilities.
5!
5 of my friends who've gotten together with another
4 of them still together
3 people who I wish I could've known about
2 who screwed things over
1 time I tried to help, but only resulted in loss.
4 times I've dreamt about you at night
3 times you appeared in my daydreams
2 times I put a heart around your name
1 time I ripped it up.
3 times we met before it was over
2 times we've hugged
1 time I got over my nerves to show you that I cared just as much, but that failed didn't it.
2 friends who like each other but aren't together
1 of them who wants to do something soon.
1 person still looking for her knight in shining armor.
February isn't the month of love. No, just a clone of it.
May is the real deal.
I'm stuck in one of those little time portals. I can't move forward or backwards now. Seeing many of my friends becoming couples with my other friends, I can't help but to think when I'll get my own knight in shining armor. Did I already pass my chance? Or maybe I just won't open my eyes to other possibilities.
5!
5 of my friends who've gotten together with another
4 of them still together
3 people who I wish I could've known about
2 who screwed things over
1 time I tried to help, but only resulted in loss.
4 times I've dreamt about you at night
3 times you appeared in my daydreams
2 times I put a heart around your name
1 time I ripped it up.
3 times we met before it was over
2 times we've hugged
1 time I got over my nerves to show you that I cared just as much, but that failed didn't it.
2 friends who like each other but aren't together
1 of them who wants to do something soon.
1 person still looking for her knight in shining armor.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Growing Backwards
As a little kid, I was always the top in my class, above that even. I was the perfect student (the one everyone made fun of), I knew the answer to everything (people hated me for it), I stood out to all of my teachers (classmates would tease me for it), and my parents were happy.
But now, that's all just a memory.
I slack of in school work (my teachers 'tsk' me for it), I can never figure anything out anymore (I consider myself to be an idiot), I'm not even sure if my teachers know who I am (besides as "that person"), and my parents are frustrated beyond belief.
It's like when you set your bar high in the beginning, there's no way to go higher than the top. The only pasth left is to fall all the way down.
Life isn't supposed to be like that though!
Others (parents, colleges, etc) expect that as one grows older, they will improve as they go. The possibility of a child growing backwards is absolutely absurd. Children are not supposed to know everything when they are younger and lose it all when they're older, they're supposed to learn with age and experience.
But then again, I've always been the odd one out;
That person that you see every day, but you don't know who he/she is.
That weirdo that's either hiding in a corner, jumping up and down, or yelling/hitting another.
The "emo kid" that needs a haircut.
Another face in the crowd.
As usual, I'm drifiting off topic again, hopefully though, this isn't too hard to follow along with.
I feel like my turtle. Able to climb to the top of the tank from the very start, using all possible resources (the lamp, the dock, the filter, etc), but then hitting the wire cover and falling all the way back down into the water. Then as I try again and again, I drift further away from my goal. The lamp is lifted, the dock is lowered, the filter pushed aside. Soon, I cannot even touch the wire cover anymore.
Just like that, everything is pulled out of my reach.
I watch other around me climb their way up: succeeding, growing closer and closer to that goal
But I'm just falling behind, all hope lost.
Falling all the way down
down
down
down
into the abyss.
Just watching everyone else succeed above me.
But now, that's all just a memory.
I slack of in school work (my teachers 'tsk' me for it), I can never figure anything out anymore (I consider myself to be an idiot), I'm not even sure if my teachers know who I am (besides as "that person"), and my parents are frustrated beyond belief.
It's like when you set your bar high in the beginning, there's no way to go higher than the top. The only pasth left is to fall all the way down.
Life isn't supposed to be like that though!
Others (parents, colleges, etc) expect that as one grows older, they will improve as they go. The possibility of a child growing backwards is absolutely absurd. Children are not supposed to know everything when they are younger and lose it all when they're older, they're supposed to learn with age and experience.
But then again, I've always been the odd one out;
That person that you see every day, but you don't know who he/she is.
That weirdo that's either hiding in a corner, jumping up and down, or yelling/hitting another.
The "emo kid" that needs a haircut.
Another face in the crowd.
As usual, I'm drifiting off topic again, hopefully though, this isn't too hard to follow along with.
I feel like my turtle. Able to climb to the top of the tank from the very start, using all possible resources (the lamp, the dock, the filter, etc), but then hitting the wire cover and falling all the way back down into the water. Then as I try again and again, I drift further away from my goal. The lamp is lifted, the dock is lowered, the filter pushed aside. Soon, I cannot even touch the wire cover anymore.
Just like that, everything is pulled out of my reach.
I watch other around me climb their way up: succeeding, growing closer and closer to that goal
But I'm just falling behind, all hope lost.
Falling all the way down
down
down
down
into the abyss.
Just watching everyone else succeed above me.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Parents are Frustrating
Parents are so frustrating, my mom to be exact.
I have two B+'s, and the rest are all solid A's, and you think that'd be good grades!
But nooo, she just has to start yelling at me and going all "Why are they B+'s?! Are you too STUPID to get an A?!?! -insert yelling in chinese here-"
Before anyone goes into the whole "they just want what's good for you," I think you've got the wrong parent. -____-
My dad cares, yeah. He even said so himself. But all my mom wants is for me to make a bunch of money so that she can mooch off when I get older. She's even hinted at it 24052342 times!!
From my mom, it's always, "make sure you have good grades and get a high paying job so that you can take me on vacation w/you!" or "when I get older, you'll pay for me right?" and etc.
I swear, my mom has issues. All she ever cares about it money money money, and that's it. Every once in a while, she'll try and be a good mom, but then she gives up because she just doesn't care.
As for trying to show her what she's doing wrong/reasoning with her, she goes into the whole "I'm right and you're wrong. I'll always be right, and you have to bow down to me and do whatever I say" chinese yelling spree. It's just so.... ADSFJKLI
Then if I even hint at not wanting to be a freaking doctor or want to go to Stanford/Harvard, she starts telling me to be a hobo when I grow up, or saying that I'll be "some trash pick-up person" or a gardener...and more yelling.
She has to have some sort of brain damage, or just, something wrong with her to think that way. I mean really! She wants me to go to a top-notch private school so that she can go around bragging that her daugher goes to a top-notch private school, then go shopping around the area under the pretense of visiting me. That's all she EVER talks about!
Back to the whole grades thing, they were borderline B+'s just because she's always making me do all these things around the house because I'm apparently supposed to "help her out" by doing ALL the housework while she watches her freaking Korean dramas. I'd have no problem if she wasn't watching her tv, or sleeping the extra hours that I'm always lacking! The rest of my grades were like, 96%, 95.79%, 94.99%, and 98.42% -_____-. I mean, seriously. They're GOOD GRADES and all she can do is complain about how stupid I am to not be able to get solid A's in those particular two classes (even though I would've have them if not for her) >:[
Besides, it's just a progress report! It's not like it's my actual report card, and it's not like I don't want A's in all of my classes. Her constant belittling of me isn't really helping anything at the moment.
Kay, I'm done ranting.
I have two B+'s, and the rest are all solid A's, and you think that'd be good grades!
But nooo, she just has to start yelling at me and going all "Why are they B+'s?! Are you too STUPID to get an A?!?! -insert yelling in chinese here-"
Before anyone goes into the whole "they just want what's good for you," I think you've got the wrong parent. -____-
My dad cares, yeah. He even said so himself. But all my mom wants is for me to make a bunch of money so that she can mooch off when I get older. She's even hinted at it 24052342 times!!
From my mom, it's always, "make sure you have good grades and get a high paying job so that you can take me on vacation w/you!" or "when I get older, you'll pay for me right?" and etc.
I swear, my mom has issues. All she ever cares about it money money money, and that's it. Every once in a while, she'll try and be a good mom, but then she gives up because she just doesn't care.
As for trying to show her what she's doing wrong/reasoning with her, she goes into the whole "I'm right and you're wrong. I'll always be right, and you have to bow down to me and do whatever I say" chinese yelling spree. It's just so.... ADSFJKLI
Then if I even hint at not wanting to be a freaking doctor or want to go to Stanford/Harvard, she starts telling me to be a hobo when I grow up, or saying that I'll be "some trash pick-up person" or a gardener...and more yelling.
She has to have some sort of brain damage, or just, something wrong with her to think that way. I mean really! She wants me to go to a top-notch private school so that she can go around bragging that her daugher goes to a top-notch private school, then go shopping around the area under the pretense of visiting me. That's all she EVER talks about!
Back to the whole grades thing, they were borderline B+'s just because she's always making me do all these things around the house because I'm apparently supposed to "help her out" by doing ALL the housework while she watches her freaking Korean dramas. I'd have no problem if she wasn't watching her tv, or sleeping the extra hours that I'm always lacking! The rest of my grades were like, 96%, 95.79%, 94.99%, and 98.42% -_____-. I mean, seriously. They're GOOD GRADES and all she can do is complain about how stupid I am to not be able to get solid A's in those particular two classes (even though I would've have them if not for her) >:[
Besides, it's just a progress report! It's not like it's my actual report card, and it's not like I don't want A's in all of my classes. Her constant belittling of me isn't really helping anything at the moment.
Kay, I'm done ranting.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Floating in Nothing
I stopped drowning
(Or in Katrina's case, "spiraling")
but now there's nowhere left to go.
There's nothing to pull me up. No lifeline, no help, not even that stray piece of seaweed floating around to accompany me.
Just myself and my memories.
A friend of mine was showing me some old IMs that he had saved in his IM history, and as I looked through them, I noticed that I was happy. When I thought about how I was last year, I had lived life to its fullest extent; flying up there with the birds and planes rather than tied to an anchor at the bottom of the ocean.
Everything's changed.
Change is indeed inevitable, but that doesn't mean it's welcome. Perhaps I'm just being negative due to my suddenly falling grades and anchors stressing me out. But then again they could just be my excuses coming back to me...
...and I don't want that.
I want to swim back up, to get back into the sky and live like before.
However, it's just wishful thinking. I've lost my flying powers, and I'll never get them back again.
Even if I magically grow wings, I'll never fly again. I'm going to be a dodo! So close to my dreams, yet so far away.
It's depressing, yet I don't seem to care that much again. Otherwise I'm just telling myself that I don't care.
I really don't know anymore.
Where is that light that everyone supposedly follows? The motive, dream, or curiousity that gives people a reason for their life.
Unless I'm to create my own world, the way I apparently created my own species. An underwater kingdom of sorts for all those who have lost their wings/powers. I can't really leave things as they are, or let things be.
I have to do something.
But I can't do it alone. I don't want to do it alone.
...
Or maybe I'll just float here in nothingness and wait until something or someone comes to find me:]
(Or in Katrina's case, "spiraling")
but now there's nowhere left to go.
There's nothing to pull me up. No lifeline, no help, not even that stray piece of seaweed floating around to accompany me.
Just myself and my memories.
A friend of mine was showing me some old IMs that he had saved in his IM history, and as I looked through them, I noticed that I was happy. When I thought about how I was last year, I had lived life to its fullest extent; flying up there with the birds and planes rather than tied to an anchor at the bottom of the ocean.
Everything's changed.
Change is indeed inevitable, but that doesn't mean it's welcome. Perhaps I'm just being negative due to my suddenly falling grades and anchors stressing me out. But then again they could just be my excuses coming back to me...
...and I don't want that.
I want to swim back up, to get back into the sky and live like before.
However, it's just wishful thinking. I've lost my flying powers, and I'll never get them back again.
Even if I magically grow wings, I'll never fly again. I'm going to be a dodo! So close to my dreams, yet so far away.
It's depressing, yet I don't seem to care that much again. Otherwise I'm just telling myself that I don't care.
I really don't know anymore.
Where is that light that everyone supposedly follows? The motive, dream, or curiousity that gives people a reason for their life.
Unless I'm to create my own world, the way I apparently created my own species. An underwater kingdom of sorts for all those who have lost their wings/powers. I can't really leave things as they are, or let things be.
I have to do something.
But I can't do it alone. I don't want to do it alone.
...
Or maybe I'll just float here in nothingness and wait until something or someone comes to find me:]
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Fear is Retarded
Emotions are what makes life life. They add that spark and color into an otherwise neutral world.
But there's one emotion that you wish you can go without:
It holds you back from doing things,
it keeps you from your dreams,
it makes you give nothing a chance,
and it's making me type this right now.
Without fear, you could do so many things. Because out of fear, you won't do most of them.
Ignorance is a bliss
That one phrase says it all. But at the same time, you don't want to live in that little bubble of ignorance.
You want to know things as they are,
You want to wonder why things are,
You want to discover what's out there,
but you can't just mow over your fear.
It's just, retarded.
My chorus teacher always says "We are not afraid of incompetence, we are afraid that we are powerful beyond measure" Or something along those lines.
And sometimes, I agree with him.
But there's one emotion that you wish you can go without:
It holds you back from doing things,
it keeps you from your dreams,
it makes you give nothing a chance,
and it's making me type this right now.
Without fear, you could do so many things. Because out of fear, you won't do most of them.
Ignorance is a bliss
That one phrase says it all. But at the same time, you don't want to live in that little bubble of ignorance.
You want to know things as they are,
You want to wonder why things are,
You want to discover what's out there,
but you can't just mow over your fear.
It's just, retarded.
My chorus teacher always says "We are not afraid of incompetence, we are afraid that we are powerful beyond measure" Or something along those lines.
And sometimes, I agree with him.
Drowning in Escape
As my hair disappears, I disappear with it.
I cut out a chunk of my hair yesterday, and only now do I realize how many stupid things I've done. How much time I've wasted. How many things that will NEVER be possible again because of the choices I've made.
Live life and let live. People always say something along those lines. Otherwise it's something like "don't dwell in your past, look forward to the future" or something relating to the present being a "present"
But I NEED to dwell if I want to ever be able to fix anything. When I was a little kid, I had always done everything my mom told me to, thinking it was always right. Then as I grew up, I realised how many other options there were, and began to defy everything she said, thinking that that was what would lead me to being happy. Since then, I've lived for the sake of having fun.
Though now in my first year of highschool, I don't know if I want to defy anymore. I see the sense in everything my mom had tried to do to me, and all the stupid mistakes I've made. Though nothing now can change the past, no matter how much I wish I could.
All my stupid mistakes, errors, miscalculations, and that retarded laid-back attitude of mine have finally caught up to me.
And it hurts.
It hurts to know how many things I could have accomplished,
How many chances I've turned down,
Friends that I've lost,
Friends I could have made,
People that I've become enemies with,
Words that I wish I'd never spoken,
The things that I've done in my stupidity.
Yet here I am, wallowing in my own sorrow, not taking action, doing absolutely NOTHING about it.
I want to take action, to do something about it all.
But I won't.
I know I won't.
I'll say that I'm too scared, or hide behind the pretense of not knowing how.
Why?
Because those two reasons have been my reasons for everything.
If I don't want to, I say I don't know/I'm too scared.
I just don't want to face the truth, hiding from it all.
But it has already caught up to me, and I'm drowning,
Left there to drown forever.
But there's just one thing:
I don't want to be saved
I want to drown, until I'm gone
down into the spiraling darkness
where I can escape from it all
watching those bubbles of hope drift
up up and away
from the clutches of escape.
I cut out a chunk of my hair yesterday, and only now do I realize how many stupid things I've done. How much time I've wasted. How many things that will NEVER be possible again because of the choices I've made.
Live life and let live. People always say something along those lines. Otherwise it's something like "don't dwell in your past, look forward to the future" or something relating to the present being a "present"
But I NEED to dwell if I want to ever be able to fix anything. When I was a little kid, I had always done everything my mom told me to, thinking it was always right. Then as I grew up, I realised how many other options there were, and began to defy everything she said, thinking that that was what would lead me to being happy. Since then, I've lived for the sake of having fun.
Though now in my first year of highschool, I don't know if I want to defy anymore. I see the sense in everything my mom had tried to do to me, and all the stupid mistakes I've made. Though nothing now can change the past, no matter how much I wish I could.
All my stupid mistakes, errors, miscalculations, and that retarded laid-back attitude of mine have finally caught up to me.
And it hurts.
It hurts to know how many things I could have accomplished,
How many chances I've turned down,
Friends that I've lost,
Friends I could have made,
People that I've become enemies with,
Words that I wish I'd never spoken,
The things that I've done in my stupidity.
Yet here I am, wallowing in my own sorrow, not taking action, doing absolutely NOTHING about it.
I want to take action, to do something about it all.
But I won't.
I know I won't.
I'll say that I'm too scared, or hide behind the pretense of not knowing how.
Why?
Because those two reasons have been my reasons for everything.
If I don't want to, I say I don't know/I'm too scared.
I just don't want to face the truth, hiding from it all.
But it has already caught up to me, and I'm drowning,
Left there to drown forever.
But there's just one thing:
I don't want to be saved
I want to drown, until I'm gone
down into the spiraling darkness
where I can escape from it all
watching those bubbles of hope drift
up up and away
from the clutches of escape.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Intangibilty is Sweet~
Those little thoughts and dreams that float around your head are so indescribebly wonderful...
...but when reality hits you, it throws you into a depression like no other.
Positives make Negatives seem so much worse,
yet Negatives make Positives seem so much better,
but that gray area inbetween is the worst spot to be.
Though on a sunny day, rain is welcomed
And on a rainy day, the sun is wanted back
so wouldn't that make the grey area a good place to be?
"All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely actors"
I've used that before, many times actually
but the message is still the one referred to.
We are all actors, but even actors will mess up their lines
just as we believe that we have messed something up in our lives.
But why not improv.?
Once you do, it'll lead you back on track
and everything's fine once more.
...Or we can all just float around on cloud nine to avoid all the problems...
Just don't fall.
...but when reality hits you, it throws you into a depression like no other.
Positives make Negatives seem so much worse,
yet Negatives make Positives seem so much better,
but that gray area inbetween is the worst spot to be.
Though on a sunny day, rain is welcomed
And on a rainy day, the sun is wanted back
so wouldn't that make the grey area a good place to be?
"All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely actors"
I've used that before, many times actually
but the message is still the one referred to.
We are all actors, but even actors will mess up their lines
just as we believe that we have messed something up in our lives.
But why not improv.?
Once you do, it'll lead you back on track
and everything's fine once more.
...Or we can all just float around on cloud nine to avoid all the problems...
Just don't fall.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Out of Place
Sometimes we as humans feel out of place. As if there's some life that you should be living, and your current one just isn't right.
Then there's that "I wish I were in his/her place" or "I wish I was -insertnamehere-" or anything to that extent. But what about when you get to that point where you just think that you're not living as you should be? You can't just do whatever and see what happens because it just all seems wrong. So what's left to do?
Then there's that "I wish I were in his/her place" or "I wish I was -insertnamehere-" or anything to that extent. But what about when you get to that point where you just think that you're not living as you should be? You can't just do whatever and see what happens because it just all seems wrong. So what's left to do?
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Nothing Lasts Forever
In our lives, nothing will last forever.
You'll never be the same age again,
Teachers won't remain with you,
Mothers and Fathers die with old age,
Brothers and Sisters grow up and move out,
You yourself change as the years go on.
Pets will die as they grow old,
Clothing styles go in and out of fashion,
Likes and dislikes will change,
And not even your friends will stay with you forever, no matter how much you wish them to;
Time continues to move forward.
How are we to hold onto these parts of our lives?
If everything's to change, it won't always "change for the better."
So what's left to do?
You'll never be the same age again,
Teachers won't remain with you,
Mothers and Fathers die with old age,
Brothers and Sisters grow up and move out,
You yourself change as the years go on.
Pets will die as they grow old,
Clothing styles go in and out of fashion,
Likes and dislikes will change,
And not even your friends will stay with you forever, no matter how much you wish them to;
Time continues to move forward.
How are we to hold onto these parts of our lives?
If everything's to change, it won't always "change for the better."
So what's left to do?
Monday, February 16, 2009
Just like Mirrors
Have you ever stood in an area where you're surrounded on all sides just by mirrors. Don't you feel lost? Like there's a million different things, with only one origin.
It's like life; each one being a decision to make. Then from whichever you choose, there's a million more ways to go. But no matter how confused you may get, you always know what way to go, and which one to choose. You can always find the exit.
However, that particular exit is never what you planned, and neither are your mirrors.
You just have to wait and see.
It's like life; each one being a decision to make. Then from whichever you choose, there's a million more ways to go. But no matter how confused you may get, you always know what way to go, and which one to choose. You can always find the exit.
However, that particular exit is never what you planned, and neither are your mirrors.
You just have to wait and see.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Of Superstitions
Why do people believe that Friday 13th is unlucky?
Is it because that's what everyone says?
Like a rumor. It's passed on from person to person, but nobody ever doubts the credibility of it.
It just continues to be believed and transferred to the next person.
What if it's that they believe it to be true, so it comes true?
For example, if you believe that navy blue is black, then to you it is black.
So if you believe that such superstitions happen, then you'd relate bad things to Friday the 13th.
Then if it's just because they "do,"
I can't really argue with that.
But if the reason is that "everyone else does"
Personally, that's lame.
Doesn't anyone ever feel bad for Friday 13th?
It's such a hated day when it's just like any other.
Doesn't it deserve some love too?
Happy Friday 13th~
Is it because that's what everyone says?
Like a rumor. It's passed on from person to person, but nobody ever doubts the credibility of it.
It just continues to be believed and transferred to the next person.
What if it's that they believe it to be true, so it comes true?
For example, if you believe that navy blue is black, then to you it is black.
So if you believe that such superstitions happen, then you'd relate bad things to Friday the 13th.
Then if it's just because they "do,"
I can't really argue with that.
But if the reason is that "everyone else does"
Personally, that's lame.
Doesn't anyone ever feel bad for Friday 13th?
It's such a hated day when it's just like any other.
Doesn't it deserve some love too?
Happy Friday 13th~
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
A Part of the Scenery
Everyday I see my friends just walking, laughing, springing;
Like they're floating about the clouds
Waiting to jump down,
But they don't know
What it's like down there.
Shifting in and out of view, I'm just part of the scenery:
Unnoticed as I watch them all
Enjoying their lives,
Wishing I was a part of that too.
When I go missing, it's never noticed.
Life goes on, not stopping for anyone
Making zero acceptions to its rule;
But once,
just once,
I want it to stop for me.
My dreams take me places I've never been
Yet even there, I'm still the background;
an insignificant object;
Just a part of the scenery.
Like they're floating about the clouds
Waiting to jump down,
But they don't know
What it's like down there.
Shifting in and out of view, I'm just part of the scenery:
Unnoticed as I watch them all
Enjoying their lives,
Wishing I was a part of that too.
When I go missing, it's never noticed.
Life goes on, not stopping for anyone
Making zero acceptions to its rule;
But once,
just once,
I want it to stop for me.
My dreams take me places I've never been
Yet even there, I'm still the background;
an insignificant object;
Just a part of the scenery.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Idealistic Views
We live in a real life. There's nothing you can do about it.
So why do people still bother with idealism?
Yes, it is nice to believe that things could happen a certain way, but deep down, you know it won't.
If you say "well it (still) could," then you're just lying to yourself. You know that it'll never happen.
Deep
Deep
Deep
DEEP
DEEP
DEEP
DEEP...
down you know it, even if you don't want to admit to it.
Everyone is entitled to the right to view things how they like, to hold their own thoughts, feelings an opinions. That's what makes us human.
But what's not right is when you attempt to enforce them upon someone else.
Expressing your ideas and thoughts is one thing, but trying to make another person hold the same thoughts?
NO.
That's just not right.
There's no excuse for it. Believe what you want--that you are "just believing it could happen"--but that doesn't change the fact that you're enforcing your own opinions and views upon another.
We live a real life, and there's nothing you can do about it.
So why do people still bother with idealism?
Yes, it is nice to believe that things could happen a certain way, but deep down, you know it won't.
If you say "well it (still) could," then you're just lying to yourself. You know that it'll never happen.
Deep
Deep
Deep
DEEP
DEEP
DEEP
DEEP...
down you know it, even if you don't want to admit to it.
Everyone is entitled to the right to view things how they like, to hold their own thoughts, feelings an opinions. That's what makes us human.
But what's not right is when you attempt to enforce them upon someone else.
Expressing your ideas and thoughts is one thing, but trying to make another person hold the same thoughts?
NO.
That's just not right.
There's no excuse for it. Believe what you want--that you are "just believing it could happen"--but that doesn't change the fact that you're enforcing your own opinions and views upon another.
We live a real life, and there's nothing you can do about it.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Sound of Happiness
Happiness: the quality or state of being happy.
When that sound rings through the air, reaching your ears, you assume that someone is happy. But at the same time, that sound can mean a million contradicting things.
Discomfort.
Secrets.
Hesitation.
Annoyance.
So many different things, so how do you tell them apart? How do you know which one you're supposed to use?
Some people say you use context clues.
Context Clue: A method by which the meanings of unknown words may be obtained by examining the parts of a sentence surrounding the word for definition/explanation clues, restatement/synonym clues, contrast/antonym clues, and inference/general context clues
Some people say you can tell by their body language.
Body Language: Non-verbal, usually unconscious, communication through the use of postures, gestures, facial expressions, and the like.
Some people say that your instincts will tell you.
Instincts: A natural or innate impulse, inclination, or tendency.
All these could be right, and could be wrong. You'd never know the real answer.
Although I would think the easiest answer is right infront of you.
Just laugh.
When that sound rings through the air, reaching your ears, you assume that someone is happy. But at the same time, that sound can mean a million contradicting things.
Discomfort.
Secrets.
Hesitation.
Annoyance.
So many different things, so how do you tell them apart? How do you know which one you're supposed to use?
Some people say you use context clues.
Context Clue: A method by which the meanings of unknown words may be obtained by examining the parts of a sentence surrounding the word for definition/explanation clues, restatement/synonym clues, contrast/antonym clues, and inference/general context clues
Some people say you can tell by their body language.
Body Language: Non-verbal, usually unconscious, communication through the use of postures, gestures, facial expressions, and the like.
Some people say that your instincts will tell you.
Instincts: A natural or innate impulse, inclination, or tendency.
All these could be right, and could be wrong. You'd never know the real answer.
Although I would think the easiest answer is right infront of you.
Just laugh.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Illusions
How do you know when you're living a lie? That all you are doing is fooling yourself? You act like something you know you aren't but soon you convince yourself that that's who you are. Wouldn't you still be playing the part though?
"All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely actors"
When my Humanities teacher had taught us that, I thought I'd forget it like I do everything else.
But I didn't.
It really surprised me when I started typing this entry. I never thought I'd bring up something school related of all things. It just came out.
If it's all an illusion, then you would not know when it's the real thing. However, if it is real, then you would think it is an illusion. So if you don't think about it, you would never know. When you do think about it, you still don't know.
Curiousity that is every person's downfall, so wouldn't ignorance be better?
"All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely actors"
When my Humanities teacher had taught us that, I thought I'd forget it like I do everything else.
But I didn't.
It really surprised me when I started typing this entry. I never thought I'd bring up something school related of all things. It just came out.
If it's all an illusion, then you would not know when it's the real thing. However, if it is real, then you would think it is an illusion. So if you don't think about it, you would never know. When you do think about it, you still don't know.
Curiousity that is every person's downfall, so wouldn't ignorance be better?
Decisions
Decisions aren't always to be made by yourself.
Sometimes your friends make them for you,
Sometimes your parents make them,
Sometimes your teachers make them,
and sometimes the people you care for make them.
But what if you never make them yourself?
Even when you're afraid of a decision, choosing brings a feeling of self-worth doesn't it?
Never making your own decision makes you feel useless. Unable to prove that you are independant. That you don't need other people's help all the time.
There are negatives to decisions though.
You never know what may happen if you choose something else, and you will never know until you choose it. Choices are not always shown however, and could very well stab you in the back.
What if your choice hurts everyone?
Sometimes your friends make them for you,
Sometimes your parents make them,
Sometimes your teachers make them,
and sometimes the people you care for make them.
But what if you never make them yourself?
Even when you're afraid of a decision, choosing brings a feeling of self-worth doesn't it?
Never making your own decision makes you feel useless. Unable to prove that you are independant. That you don't need other people's help all the time.
There are negatives to decisions though.
You never know what may happen if you choose something else, and you will never know until you choose it. Choices are not always shown however, and could very well stab you in the back.
What if your choice hurts everyone?
Choices
When a friend gets mad at you, are you supposed to be sad?
Like, when your friends want you to do something, and they continuously ask you, so you do it to make them happy.
But then another one of your friends is completely against you doing something like that.
What are you supposed to do?
There's no equilibrium for you to reach. If you try to make one, you might lose them both.
Does that mean you have to choose?
They're not making you choose, but you yourself just want both sides to be happy.
So how are you supposed to keep the balance?
A scale is supposed to hold balance. It keeps things equal, and if they are not, it evens them out.
That scale has to tip eventually...
...and all balance will be lost.
Like, when your friends want you to do something, and they continuously ask you, so you do it to make them happy.
But then another one of your friends is completely against you doing something like that.
What are you supposed to do?
There's no equilibrium for you to reach. If you try to make one, you might lose them both.
Does that mean you have to choose?
They're not making you choose, but you yourself just want both sides to be happy.
So how are you supposed to keep the balance?
A scale is supposed to hold balance. It keeps things equal, and if they are not, it evens them out.
That scale has to tip eventually...
...and all balance will be lost.
A Parallel Universe
A friend of mine used to talk to be about philosophy and her theories on the universe. Nobody else ever heard her talk about these things (not that I know of atleast), and it made me feel special that I was the one she told. One of the things she like to talk about most though, was parallel universes.
While we were walking home in 8th grade, she was telling me about how Mr.Bandaruk had seen her book, and asked to borrow it when she was done. She was telling me about how weird it was for a good ten minutes before she started talking about a parallel universe.
I still remember how interested I was in what she was saying. The possibility of blackholes being portals to parallel universes just stunned me. She opened my eyes to what I had always been so ignorant of. Our small city was a bubble, but beyond it there was no end to what could be found.
But if there were parallel universes, would there be one where she hadn't left?
While we were walking home in 8th grade, she was telling me about how Mr.Bandaruk had seen her book, and asked to borrow it when she was done. She was telling me about how weird it was for a good ten minutes before she started talking about a parallel universe.
I still remember how interested I was in what she was saying. The possibility of blackholes being portals to parallel universes just stunned me. She opened my eyes to what I had always been so ignorant of. Our small city was a bubble, but beyond it there was no end to what could be found.
But if there were parallel universes, would there be one where she hadn't left?
Counting Sheep
When you tell somebody that you can't fall asleep, they tell you to count sheep, and that will make you fall asleep.
But what if you have a lot of things on your mind?
What if you're thinking about a guy?
What if you're an insomniac?
And what if you're just afraid of sleeping?
Then there's the type of sheep you'd be counting.
Are they white or black?
Are they fat or thin?
Have they already been sheared?
Are they dirty or clean?
Are they cute of ugly?
There's also the fence to be taken account of. Then the sky, the grass, the clouds, the sun, the moon, the atmosphere, the weather, and whether or not there's a farmer.
Wouldn't counting sheep just make it harder to fall asleep?
But what if you have a lot of things on your mind?
What if you're thinking about a guy?
What if you're an insomniac?
And what if you're just afraid of sleeping?
Then there's the type of sheep you'd be counting.
Are they white or black?
Are they fat or thin?
Have they already been sheared?
Are they dirty or clean?
Are they cute of ugly?
There's also the fence to be taken account of. Then the sky, the grass, the clouds, the sun, the moon, the atmosphere, the weather, and whether or not there's a farmer.
Wouldn't counting sheep just make it harder to fall asleep?
How to Fly
About a year ago, I was talking to a friend I hadn't had contact with in 2 years. We had somehow ended up talking about flying, and I had told her that it'd be cool if there was a way to fly. I was expecting something like "yeah, that'd be cool" or "we can make one!", but she told me something that I happened to remember today.
"Jump and miss the ground."
"Jump and miss the ground."
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