Zero Visibility

I have this nagging feeling that I did something wrong and that I should know what it is.

I may not be that eye-burning neon yellow crayon in those cool 106 pack crayon boxes, but I usually know when something is up.
And something is up.

but I can't figure out what it is >.<

It has nothing to do with my grades, or selfishness, or family problems, or anything like that.
It has to do with my friends,
but I don't know what it is.

I'm screwing up.
Somewhere, somehow, sometime (more like every time)--
--but it's frustrating because I'm not seeing what it is.
And I know that I should know what it is
even though I don't.

There's a stick figure in my head, and it's asking me
"Charlene, how blind are you?"

My only answer
"Zero visibility."

Useless

I'm pretty useless:

When my friends are having stress/drama issues, I'm no help.
If anybody's feeling especially depressed, I'm sympathetic for a grand total of 2 minutes before I go back to acting like an idiot.
When my friends have wallflower-syndrome, I can't do anything to pull them out of it.

I just sort of sit there.
And stare,
and stare,
and stare;
then either walk away or act like a complete idiot.

If I could just help once, or cheer one person up, then maybe I wouldn't be so useless.
If I could actually understand what other people are feeling or the situation they're in, maybe they wouldn't hate me so much.

If I knew what to say, or what to do...
then maybe my friends wouldn't be so sad:/

Perspective

Wow I haven't blogged in a while...
or atleast, not on blogger.

Only today did I notice how different perspectives can be. I was IMing a friend about how busy we were with all this cheese going on in our lives. But even though we both took this whole situation in the same perspective, when she poked her status, I interpreted it way differently from how she did.

"I find it kind of funny / I find it kind of sad / the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had // mad world ~ gary jules"

My perspective: "that is hating your life...or well, finding peace in death, pretty much"

Her perspective: "it's a stressful sort of satisfaction"


Well apparently I'm pretty morbid o.o
I just found it sort of odd, as I never seemed morbid to myself. I've always been the happy-go-lucky-"thatlooksfun!"-type of person. Maybe I have some kind of inner-persona that's all morbid and the like.

...that's pretty creepy o.o