Drowning in Escape

As my hair disappears, I disappear with it.

I cut out a chunk of my hair yesterday, and only now do I realize how many stupid things I've done. How much time I've wasted. How many things that will NEVER be possible again because of the choices I've made.

Live life and let live. People always say something along those lines. Otherwise it's something like "don't dwell in your past, look forward to the future" or something relating to the present being a "present"

But I NEED to dwell if I want to ever be able to fix anything. When I was a little kid, I had always done everything my mom told me to, thinking it was always right. Then as I grew up, I realised how many other options there were, and began to defy everything she said, thinking that that was what would lead me to being happy. Since then, I've lived for the sake of having fun.

Though now in my first year of highschool, I don't know if I want to defy anymore. I see the sense in everything my mom had tried to do to me, and all the stupid mistakes I've made. Though nothing now can change the past, no matter how much I wish I could.

All my stupid mistakes, errors, miscalculations, and that retarded laid-back attitude of mine have finally caught up to me.
And it hurts.

It hurts to know how many things I could have accomplished,
How many chances I've turned down,
Friends that I've lost,
Friends I could have made,
People that I've become enemies with,
Words that I wish I'd never spoken,
The things that I've done in my stupidity.

Yet here I am, wallowing in my own sorrow, not taking action, doing absolutely NOTHING about it.
I want to take action, to do something about it all.
But I won't.
I know I won't.
I'll say that I'm too scared, or hide behind the pretense of not knowing how.

Why?

Because those two reasons have been my reasons for everything.
If I don't want to, I say I don't know/I'm too scared.
I just don't want to face the truth, hiding from it all.
But it has already caught up to me, and I'm drowning,
Left there to drown forever.

But there's just one thing:

I don't want to be saved
I want to drown, until I'm gone
down into the spiraling darkness
where I can escape from it all
watching those bubbles of hope drift
up up and away
from the clutches of escape.