Growing Backwards

As a little kid, I was always the top in my class, above that even. I was the perfect student (the one everyone made fun of), I knew the answer to everything (people hated me for it), I stood out to all of my teachers (classmates would tease me for it), and my parents were happy.

But now, that's all just a memory.

I slack of in school work (my teachers 'tsk' me for it), I can never figure anything out anymore (I consider myself to be an idiot), I'm not even sure if my teachers know who I am (besides as "that person"), and my parents are frustrated beyond belief.

It's like when you set your bar high in the beginning, there's no way to go higher than the top. The only pasth left is to fall all the way down.

Life isn't supposed to be like that though!

Others (parents, colleges, etc) expect that as one grows older, they will improve as they go. The possibility of a child growing backwards is absolutely absurd. Children are not supposed to know everything when they are younger and lose it all when they're older, they're supposed to learn with age and experience.

But then again, I've always been the odd one out;

That person that you see every day, but you don't know who he/she is.
That weirdo that's either hiding in a corner, jumping up and down, or yelling/hitting another.
The "emo kid" that needs a haircut.
Another face in the crowd.


As usual, I'm drifiting off topic again, hopefully though, this isn't too hard to follow along with.

I feel like my turtle. Able to climb to the top of the tank from the very start, using all possible resources (the lamp, the dock, the filter, etc), but then hitting the wire cover and falling all the way back down into the water. Then as I try again and again, I drift further away from my goal. The lamp is lifted, the dock is lowered, the filter pushed aside. Soon, I cannot even touch the wire cover anymore.

Just like that, everything is pulled out of my reach.

I watch other around me climb their way up: succeeding, growing closer and closer to that goal

But I'm just falling behind, all hope lost.

Falling all the way down
down

down


down



into the abyss.

Just watching everyone else succeed above me.

Parents are Frustrating

Parents are so frustrating, my mom to be exact.

I have two B+'s, and the rest are all solid A's, and you think that'd be good grades!
But nooo, she just has to start yelling at me and going all "Why are they B+'s?! Are you too STUPID to get an A?!?! -insert yelling in chinese here-"

Before anyone goes into the whole "they just want what's good for you," I think you've got the wrong parent. -____-

My dad cares, yeah. He even said so himself. But all my mom wants is for me to make a bunch of money so that she can mooch off when I get older. She's even hinted at it 24052342 times!!

From my mom, it's always, "make sure you have good grades and get a high paying job so that you can take me on vacation w/you!" or "when I get older, you'll pay for me right?" and etc.

I swear, my mom has issues. All she ever cares about it money money money, and that's it. Every once in a while, she'll try and be a good mom, but then she gives up because she just doesn't care.

As for trying to show her what she's doing wrong/reasoning with her, she goes into the whole "I'm right and you're wrong. I'll always be right, and you have to bow down to me and do whatever I say" chinese yelling spree. It's just so.... ADSFJKLI

Then if I even hint at not wanting to be a freaking doctor or want to go to Stanford/Harvard, she starts telling me to be a hobo when I grow up, or saying that I'll be "some trash pick-up person" or a gardener...and more yelling.

She has to have some sort of brain damage, or just, something wrong with her to think that way. I mean really! She wants me to go to a top-notch private school so that she can go around bragging that her daugher goes to a top-notch private school, then go shopping around the area under the pretense of visiting me. That's all she EVER talks about!

Back to the whole grades thing, they were borderline B+'s just because she's always making me do all these things around the house because I'm apparently supposed to "help her out" by doing ALL the housework while she watches her freaking Korean dramas. I'd have no problem if she wasn't watching her tv, or sleeping the extra hours that I'm always lacking! The rest of my grades were like, 96%, 95.79%, 94.99%, and 98.42% -_____-. I mean, seriously. They're GOOD GRADES and all she can do is complain about how stupid I am to not be able to get solid A's in those particular two classes (even though I would've have them if not for her) >:[

Besides, it's just a progress report! It's not like it's my actual report card, and it's not like I don't want A's in all of my classes. Her constant belittling of me isn't really helping anything at the moment.


Kay, I'm done ranting.

Floating in Nothing

I stopped drowning
(Or in Katrina's case, "spiraling")
but now there's nowhere left to go.


There's nothing to pull me up. No lifeline, no help, not even that stray piece of seaweed floating around to accompany me.

Just myself and my memories.


A friend of mine was showing me some old IMs that he had saved in his IM history, and as I looked through them, I noticed that I was happy. When I thought about how I was last year, I had lived life to its fullest extent; flying up there with the birds and planes rather than tied to an anchor at the bottom of the ocean.

Everything's changed.

Change is indeed inevitable, but that doesn't mean it's welcome. Perhaps I'm just being negative due to my suddenly falling grades and anchors stressing me out. But then again they could just be my excuses coming back to me...

...and I don't want that.

I want to swim back up, to get back into the sky and live like before.

However, it's just wishful thinking. I've lost my flying powers, and I'll never get them back again.
Even if I magically grow wings, I'll never fly again. I'm going to be a dodo! So close to my dreams, yet so far away.

It's depressing, yet I don't seem to care that much again. Otherwise I'm just telling myself that I don't care.

I really don't know anymore.

Where is that light that everyone supposedly follows? The motive, dream, or curiousity that gives people a reason for their life.

Unless I'm to create my own world, the way I apparently created my own species. An underwater kingdom of sorts for all those who have lost their wings/powers. I can't really leave things as they are, or let things be.

I have to do something.

But I can't do it alone. I don't want to do it alone.

...
Or maybe I'll just float here in nothingness and wait until something or someone comes to find me:]